How To Get the Most Out Of Couples Therapy

If you’ve never attended couples therapy before, it can feel like a bit of a mystery. Because of lingering stigma or feelings of shame, many people don’t talk openly about their experiences in therapy—even with those closest to them. And unfortunately, what we see on TV or in movies often exaggerates or misrepresents what the process is really like.

In reality, couples therapy is often where people turn when they’re feeling hurt, stuck, or overwhelmed in their relationship. Sometimes one partner is at a breaking point and doesn’t know what else to do. Other times, there’s been a rupture or betrayal, and everything feels uncertain. Whatever brings you here, it’s usually because something matters deeply—and because the relationship is still worth fighting for.

The first goal of therapy is often stabilization: helping the relationship find solid ground again. From there, something even more meaningful becomes possible—building a relationship that feels truly fulfilling. While you might long for the “good old days,” the goal isn't to go back in time, but to move forward—to create something new and better. Think of it like upgrading your relationship from version 1.0 to version 2.0: more connected, more intentional, and more resilient than ever before.

This journey requires something of you. Yes, it’s an investment of time, energy, and money. But more than that, it asks for courage, honesty, and openness. It asks you to show up not just with complaints or hopes, but with a willingness to grow.

And because I want you to get as much out of this process as possible, I’ve outlined three key steps that can help you get the most from your time in couples therapy. Every couple is different, and there's no universal timeline—but in my experience, couples who embrace these steps tend to make more meaningful progress, and they often get there faster too.

Step 1: Define Clear, Positive, and Achievable Goals

When a couple comes into therapy in the midst of crisis, the first (and often only) goal on their mind is: make the pain stop. That’s completely understandable. Our relationships mean the world to us, and when they hurt, it hurts deeply.

But once the immediate distress begins to ease, it’s important to have a sense of where you’re headed—otherwise it’s easy to feel lost or unsure about what progress even looks like. Therapy is more effective when you’re working toward something specific, hopeful, and realistic.

A helpful goal is:

• Clear – So that even someone outside your relationship could understand it. Instead of “I want Dennis to stop that thing he does every morning,” you might try: “I want Dennis to greet me warmly each morning.”

• Positive – Focused on what you do want, rather than what you don’t. Rather than “I want Tracey to stop being lazy,” consider “I want Tracey and I to feel like we’re working together as a team.”

• Achievable – Something you can actually recognize when it happens. Instead of the vague “communicate better,” something like “have one hour each week where we talk constructively about our relationship” is much more grounded.

If you’re unsure where to start, try reflecting on a few questions:

• What were your hopes when you entered this relationship?

• If you’re married or plan to be, what vows would feel meaningful to you now?

• If your relationship could be everything you dreamed of, what would that look like?

You may not find the perfect answer right away—and that’s okay. The point is to start moving in the direction of what you do want, rather than just away from what you don’t.

Step 2: Take an Active Role in the Process

It’s easy to imagine that therapy might “work on you” while you sit and talk—or that your therapist might unlock the right words or techniques to fix the issues for you. But the truth is, the couples who get the most out of this process are the ones who take an active role in their own change.

So what does it actually mean to take an active role in therapy?

Here are some practical ways you can lean in:

• After a session, take a few minutes to reflect. What stood out? What was hard to hear? What do you want to remember? You might jot things down in a journal or a note on your phone. Even better: bring it up with your partner. Don’t wait for them to start the conversation—taking initiative is part of taking ownership in the process.

• Between sessions, explore resources that can help you grow. Read a book about relationships, listen to a podcast, watch a video that challenges you to think in new ways. There’s a huge body of knowledge out there, and therapy often works best when it’s not the only space where your relationship gets attention.

• Before a session, pause to reflect on what you want to talk about. What’s been challenging? Where have you gotten stuck? What would make the session feel meaningful or productive for you? Think back to your goals, and consider how the session might help you take another step toward them.

• You can also come in with questions—for your therapist or for each other. You might ask, “Why do I always shut down in these moments?” or “What can I do differently when I feel triggered?” Or you might reflect on missed moments of connection: What needs went unmet this week? What opportunities for closeness got lost in the shuffle?

Therapy works best when it becomes more than just something you attend—when it becomes something you practice. That means being emotionally present, intellectually engaged, and actively curious—not only in session, but in the day-to-day life of your relationship.

Step 3: Notice and Navigate Resistance

Almost every couple experiences resistance at some point in therapy. Sometimes it shows up early—like doubts about whether this will even help. Other times, it shows up once things start to feel a little better: “We haven’t fought this week—maybe we’re okay now.” Resistance can also take the form of rescheduling sessions, showing up less prepared, or putting off hard conversations.

This is normal. In fact, it’s part of the process.

Couples therapy often unfolds in phases—and while these phases can blur together, it’s helpful to understand where you might be at any given moment.

Phase One is assessment. This usually takes the first two sessions, sometimes spilling into the third or fourth. Here, we work together as a trio to understand what’s happening in your relationship—what hurts, what’s not working, and why. We develop a shared theory about the underlying dynamics and patterns that need attention.

Phase Two is coaching and training. This is where most couples begin to feel some relief. You learn practical tools to communicate more effectively, resolve conflict, and create more understanding between you. This phase can last just a few sessions or continue for many, depending on your goals and the complexity of your patterns.

And then there’s Phase Three—what I consider to be the heart of couples therapy. This is where we move beyond communication skills and behavioral strategies, and begin to explore deeper emotional terrain. We look at attachment styles, trauma histories, past relationship injuries, and core emotional needs. We ask not just what happened, but what it meant. This is where profound growth becomes possible—where couples can use the relationship itself as a vehicle for healing and development.

It’s also where resistance tends to show up. Because the initial pain may have subsided. Because real intimacy requires vulnerability. Because growth is hard.

But this is where the real opportunity lies. Not just to stop fighting, but to become more whole—together. In many ways, couples therapy at this stage is as rich and rewarding as individual therapy, sometimes even more so, because you’re doing the work in real time, with the person who matters most.

So if you notice resistance creeping in—whether it's doubt, distraction, or just fatigue—treat it not as a sign to step back, but as a sign you’re getting close to something meaningful. Talk about it. Bring it into the room. These moments aren’t setbacks—they’re invitations.

In Closing

One question I often ask couples at the start is: “Have you ever been taught how to do this?” And almost always, the answer is no. Most of us enter relationships armed with little more than our upbringing, a few cultural clichés, and maybe some rom-com logic. No wonder it feels hard sometimes.

But just because you haven’t had guidance before doesn’t mean you can’t learn. Couples therapy is a space where you get to understand yourself more deeply—your needs, your patterns, your hopes—and where you also get to understand your partner in a whole new way.

Yes, it takes effort. But the investment you’re making now has the power to change not just how you relate today, but how your relationship will feel 5, 10, even 20 years from now.

I believe in the potential that brought you here. And I’m honored to walk alongside you as you explore what’s possible for your relationship.